So I’m making an effort to make this as short as possible, because I’m running a little short on time at the moment but I want to make sure that I write what is in me now.
Lately everything I see is a gateway to another realm, world, or place. I am almost always full of interesting thoughts ( to me anyway) and I find myself using my imagination daily. I have recently committed to yoga in a huge way. Since I have started practicing, I notice all the little nuances in everything, it’s like my eyes were closed on some level, although I believed that there were indeed open. That brings up what happened today and why this post is necessary.
I was talking to a friend, we once were lovers and have since found a space in which that amorous energy can still exist but not be sought after, so we have a very close friendship. The conversation was about revealing oneself, and this was/is the conversation that we had as a couple and still find delight in discovering in our friendship. We have a huge amount of transparency available to us, because we rarely if ever judge each other. He was explaining to me the other side of the coin, for men and how he as a man and black man has difficulty opening up in spaces. He felt it was because of the perception of being seen as feminine and because he is already a serious guy with a very quiet demeanor other men have a hard time engaging with him. He explained that in social situations, he would ask another man a real feeling question and they would eventually avoid him. His aptitude is more along the nature of actually learning other people so small talk doesn’t interest him. After about 15 minutes of conversing we moved along into the realm of fear, and how it dominates our perceptions of ourselves and how we relate to others. I had this huge thought…what if fearlessness it not something we can attain? We are human, not immortal, so fear of death is always ever present. I went on the suggest that fear is probably more of a normal condition than we like to admit. It was then that I saw myself in my death dream as I call it.
The Dream: I’m in the passenger seat of a car, going to visit someone that I love immensely and there is a man driving me. The car is full of love, it’s presence is radiating off of our two forms as we ride down the road. I can see the yellow lines that separate us from traffic that is non existent. My companion is an old man who affectionately holds my hand and has our woven hands placed in his lap. I can see my fingers, long with clear nails and small rings under his. We are driving down this winding highway and a blue car comes out of nowhere and cuts us off and we flip over and die. I am always certain after I dream this that this is in my future. During the dream, everything is serene and although I know that part is coming , every time before I am happy, I am sure, and at the moment that the car engages us, I am more than happy, I am at peace. I can see it as I type. It is then, that I finally release my fear, this thing that I have been carrying around for my entire life, lifts up off me life a cloud and I am finally free.
That is what I am experiencing, the release of my fear. It is always there looming on the edges, I’m never totally free, yoga has been like a fear portal for me. In my practice, I transcend fear, I live with it, I breath it in and out make it apart of my magic pouch that I carry throughout the day. It is my friend, my constantly companion and reminder to keep going and I think, for me, that this is truly the closest I’ve ever been to experiencing freedom.